There is this huge, aching emptiness that I feel a lot of the time and I think that it will be there my whole life and all I can do is try to fill the space with things that are good. I think that some people fill themselves with things to make them forget how awful they feel, but I want to remember because remembering is important and remembering is what makes us who we are and it makes us OKAY and it makes us human.

John Green quoted some dead guy's last words (Forgive me, Mr. Green for not being able to give your writing justice at this moment) in his book Looking for Alaska: 

"We are all going."

And I think it's true that we're all ALWAYS going because although there are people that we care about and who are important to us, the ultimate goal is to be able to do what is right for OURSELVES AS INDIVIDUALS. And some people just need to leave. Because it is what is best for them. 

And I think sometimes this ache that I feel maybe isn't so much a pain as it is the realization of how RIGHT people's decisions are because it forces everyone else to move forward as well. And maybe this ache is just the need to move on. 

I don't ever want to feel stuck. I think I've been going and going and going and going and going lately because I was avoiding this change, and then it happened and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I feel good about it but a little sad too. But it's good. It's really good and I am very fond of the person who initiated this change, and I am so grateful that he had the decency to do it. And there's so much relief but there's also a little sadness. And I can't really say too much more about it except that I still do and will always care about this person very, very much.

But, moving on, because what else can we do..

My grandmother's funeral was a year ago today and it's still strange and sad and all these other things and I just remember flying back to Florida 10 days after I had left, even though I knew she didn't have a lot of time when I left...

And I remember my dad holding his phone up to her ear a few days after I got back and my grandma just sounded so weak and so helpless and I remember just bawling my eyes out on the way home from Sausalito and just wanting it to be over already and feeling awful about it. I don't think I'm the only one that's ever felt that but it hurts when someone is not going when you know that they should. It hurts to watch and listen to a person you love get stuck. 

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I think sometimes I fill this space with these stories and these books and these TV series and music. THANK GOD for the music because it can make you feel so OKAY sometimes when you know you're really NOT OKAY. But I think sometimes there is just too much going on and SO MANY THINGS THAT FEEL WRONG or that you know are wrong and and I keep watching and singing and banging out the keys or I'll try to write as much of it down as I can but there's just SO MUCH that it seems like no matter how much I write or sing or run around maniacally, that nothing will ever be okay. These negative feelings are never fully purge-able. 

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I was looking over old entries in my (very private, written) journal, and I saw one from when I first moved to this amazing city-- after the ex left and I had had my second rehearsal with my band.

"Friday May 28, 2010. 11:53 AM

I don't care how many of them break my heart, I still love musicians."

Funny how things work out, isn't it?

It's funny how hanging out with him for the first time in 3 weeks seemed to have cured my winter blues and the cold I've had since before Thanksgiving. 

Whatever this is, it's nice. I like him.